I've started my graduate classes. So far I'm loving them. The classes encourage reflection. What is leadership? Can a leader be popular? What qualities do you value in a leader? What qualities do you have that you think would make you a good leader?
Tonight we discussed who we are as human beings. It was a deep and intense conversation. Lately I've been thinking a lot about who I am as a person. Over the last five years I've been on a journey that has allowed me to become centered and in touch. I like to think I know myself well. I know my good qualities and recognize and work on the less desirable ones. I know this from a professional, as well as personal perspective. I work hard at seeing multiple points of view, even when I don't agree with them.
I've been thinking about direction. How at times the direction my life takes in part defines who I am. There are times over the last few weeks I've felt as though my identity is shifting. Is how I perceive myself the same as the perception of the world? Last week my principal (in effect my boss) told me I'm a force to be reckoned with. This has bothered me. I'm not entirely sure I want to be a force. It certainly doesn't mesh with how I view myself in a professional or personal capacity. Is this a positive or a negative? It's made me think.
I've been thinking about the horses. It's still surreal to me that Whiskey is no longer mine. And Bacardi is. I had had Bacardi listed and fielded a number of emails and calls. I've even had people booked to come view her. Unexpectedly something would happen and the person would no longer be coming. It's become something of a pattern. So I've decided to send the paperwork in the AQHA to transfer her into my name. This is not the most comfortable decision for me. I'm left feeling as though there's a gaping void in my life. How I can I have a horse with no purpose? I have no purpose for her. I don't even know what to do with her. She won't make a cutter which is where my heart lies. I suppose I could rope off of her but that entails work, purchasing a rope saddle and time that I'm currently lacking. Working cow horse? Not my favorite thing to do but I could hypothetically put the training in her so that she'd make a passable working cow horse. Put her in my close contact and start popping her over fences? I don't know what I want to do. I feel lost. A boat with no rudder bobbing on a lake. An English speaker in France. You get the picture. I wonder how not having an equine goal impacts who I am. Or does it? Does it make horses any less part of who I am? Do I even know how to enjoy just riding? Can I just ride? Or will I self combust without a focal point?