Friday, February 11, 2011

One Forward, Two Back

Have you ever been irrationally angry? So angry you could just scream? For no apparent reason? Where the tiniest provocation could set you into a tailspin? That's how I've felt most of the past week. Mad at the world. Ridiculously so. Tonight after a wonderful walk with the dogs, I played with Diva, and magically, all was better.

The little girl is starting to PLAY!!! I have a rope ball, a rope with a rope shaped ball on the end that I huck for Tessa to fetch. Diva likes to come up and bump the rope with her nose. Everyday I've been working with her on playing. Relentlessly trying to get her to engage. Tonight, she grabbed on to that toy and tugged. Really tugged. She got completely into it with grunting, whining sounds - shades of Luke. Even going so far as to jump up on me when I took it away from her, trying to get to it. This was a very exciting moment for me. Exactly what the doctor ordered after my week.

Tessa has been driving me nuts. Into wild internal rages. Deep, dark, foul moods. Tessa, whom I've been giving meds to for years has suddenly taken to trying to spit them out, peeling the cheese layer off and leaving the med, gooey and gross on the floor. This infuriated me. I've had to resort to doing the drop it down the throat method and I hate that.

She's been seemingly obstinate. Not intentionally I know, but it's grating on my nerves. If I want her to go left, she goes right, and so forth. It has been a rough week all around. Not only is she getting a mint's worth of dope, but she has peed all over her beds, the jeans I left on the floor (lesson learned), and... the icing on the cake... when she pooped on my living room floor. Seriously. There is only so much I can take.

I'm not the owner who ignores their dog when it asks to go out. I'm not the owner who doesn't provide potty opportunities. Tessa is now banished. Banished to the bathroom, where its easy to clean. All week I've pondered what to do. Am I going to be the dog owner who puts the dog down - kills it - when it becomes an inconvenience? This is emphatically not the person I want to be. But what are my options if we can't get this under control? Leave her locked in jail for the remainder of her days? Kick her outside and leave her in a run for her golden years? What kind of life is that? She has to be supervised when she's outside because she doesn't make good decisions anymore. Living on a farm opens a wide field of deadly possibilities for her. Like I said, it has not been a good week - for me or Tessa.

Here's hoping Tessa and I have a better week starting now...


Anonymous said...

I'm just someone who came across your blog and reads on occasion...I enjoy reading about the dogs and horses and whatnot :) Have a 4+month old border pup of my own and we've started herding ducks.... I've a LOT to learn, but it's proving to be a fun new adventure.

I wanted to msg on this one simply because I understand where you're at with Tessa. I just lost one of my horses , and he was only 9, after he tore his suspensories. In and of itself, the injury was fixable. 8 months of stall rest and that leg would be pasture sound, albeit nothing else. But he had other problems - and long story short his other front would not have held up to compensating for eight months. (It was already too strained) So I could have stuffed him on stallrest, made him miserable (couldn't stand stalls), and drugged him to keep him calm until the inevitable happened, or let him go while he was still happy (relatively). I opted for the latter, and really, it was the HARD decision, not the easy one. Everyone close to me and my situation felt it was the right decision...I was the one who wasn't/am not as confident of it. I know what it feels like to feel like it's being done for selfish reasons, even when realistically, it's not. They are just too dear to our hearts.

I don't know you, or Tessa, or really our situation - so I don't know or have an opinion on what the right option is for her. But I do know the feeling of "am I doing it because I don't want to deal with this?" The answer there is a definitive no...because it's far easier to sit back and go on "dealing" than it is to make that decision. It's quality of life. If she had no quality of life, if there's no way to control things, then it's not a decision made for selfish reasons, at all. Rather, it's the kindest, most selfless thing a person can do.

I do hope that things are going better and that it was just a week of abherration. Hopefully Tessa and yourself get another summer, and more, together still. Your animals are lucky to have you.

Good luck, and take care.

Country Girl said...

You brought a tear to my eye. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm not sure where we're at right now, but any decision will be made with my vet, friends and family's consultation. Washing her beds - again - right now.