Goodbye

Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye to old friends, yet that is what I did today.  Over the past three days I'd carved out time to sit with Tessa.  On Sunday, when I went out she was basically immobile.  She got up and walked once, going outside to go do her business.  When I called at lunch on Monday my dad was choked up not thinking she'd make it through the day.  After a long frustrating and stressful day at work, I pulled myself together and went to the farm to sit with her.  Upset about the five million other things I was neglecting, Sarge helped pull the guilt away, allowing me to find peace.

Mom had made her a pillow pallet and she was covered with a fleece blanket.  By this point in time she was unable to stand at all and hadn't ate or drank all day.  I sat with her.  Placing her bed in the vee of my legs and stroked and massaged her.  I had tentatively thought I'd bring her home with me, but when it came time to go to bed, mom and dad quickly carried her to their bedroom.  I realized then that this was as hard for them as it was for me.  So I left her with them.

I took today off work.  I did my chores, gave Diva and Ryder a quick play and went back out to the farm.  Gathering up Tessa I placed her on the couch, with her head on my lap.  We stayed like that for the bulk of the day.  I began to feel peace.  In the morning my vet had called me.  She was a bit upset and worried.  After I explained how quickly Tessa had lost function she felt better.  I knew that when she'd see Tessa she'd know, just as I knew.

It may seem strange but I feel relieved.  I think back to a young and carefree time where Tessa and I would go for great rambling rides through the field.  The wind in my hair, and her tail in the air.  This is how I remember her.  She was a good friend and beloved companion.

Rest in peace, Tessa.  You are loved.

Time

It's time for Tessa to say goodbye.  Over the past couple of weeks she has gone downhill at a rapid rate.    Dad has been carrying her downstairs and outside.  She struggles with getting up.  Mom thinks she may have had a stroke because she doesn't seem to have very good function in her right hind.  Last week dad took her into the vet.  She was given a hefty pain killer and something that looks like an antibiotic.  I had university this weekend so I'll go see her tomorrow.  I also have university next Thursday-Saturday.  And I feel stressed about trying to carve the time out to do the right thing.  (This prof. is not one of those forgiving ones...)  Morally, I can't imagine sending her in to the vet without me.  It breaks my heart when I think of going on without her.

She's been such a special dog to me.  She brought light into my life at a time when the world was grey.  She's made me laugh.  She's made me cry.  She's cost me sick and twisted amounts of money.  She opened up a world of firsts.  And she held my hand while I sat through sometimes excruciating treatments.  She's made children who are trapped in "special" bodies smiles bright.  She has loved me (and my family) unconditionally.  She has loved anyone who has crossed her path unconditionally.  This dog knows how to give.

But she's sad now.  Spending all her time sleeping.  Hurting.

It's time.

Time for me to let her go.  Mom and I talked about cremating her so that when the spring comes and green grass with it, we can give Tessa a final resting place as special and beautiful as she is.

My heart hurts.

Banishment

Last night I banished the babies.  I've been waking up in the morning pinned down by them.  Yesterday morning I tried to kick and roll but the two of them had the covers so tight I couldn't move.  I've been waking up tired and stiff.  So, after a conversation with Sarge, I put up a baby gate and banished them from my bedroom.  I moved their beds out of the room, and set up things so they had a variety of comfy spots to snooze in the hall, kitchen and dining room.  The living room I leave blocked off as I don't want them on my leather furniture unsupervised.

Locking them out, I climbed into my bed.  Where I tossed and turned, riddled with guilt.  The look on their faces when they couldn't come snuggle in their usual places.  Tossing and turning I listened to Ryder pace the hallway.  Both dogs eventually settled in and went to bed.  But I, I couldn't sleep.  It was as though my furry security blanket had been taken away.  I've gotten rather used to the comfort of having Ryder with me.  (Diva often sleeps in her crate - her choice.)  And normally Ryder sleeps in his spot on the bed and doesn't bug me while I sleep.  Eventually I got up and took a Robaxin, hoping it would have dual function: make me sleepy and make my arms less ouchy.

To be honest I think the dogs are reacting to how stressed I've been feeling.  They've suddenly felt the need to be close to me.  Pushing their little bodies against mine while I sleep.

I do think that it's probably better practice to keep them out of my room.  But I sure miss their snuggles in the morning!

Bates Australia Close Contact English Saddle - For Sale

Yes, to those enquiring minds.  I still plan to sell the saddle.  Mostly because using it would involve new horses.  Neither horse I currently own is particularly suited to going English.  I could use it for pleasure - however I really do love my cutting saddle and also enjoy riding in it.  It's comparable to an "English" feel.  So here's the saddle - in all it's glory.

It currently has a medium, medium narrow, and (2 ??) narrow gullets.  As best as I can measure it seems to have a standard/medium tree.  The tack store sticker said 17.5" seat but the sticker on the saddle says 17 - take that as you may.

I'm asking $1400 CND.  (This saddle retailed around $2000.)

Morning

Each morning I awake to joyful furry faces.  Ryder, my big suck, has taken to sleeping with me.  Every night he goes to bed with me and every morning I wake up to him curled up against my body.  When Ryder first came back to me he wanted to sleep with me, then he went through a stage of sleeping on the floor.  It's interesting to me how he wants to be back on the bed.

Diva has never slept with me.  However, the last few nights I've woke up to a dog curled up on each side of my body.  (And I wonder why I wake up tired...)

I have a Sunrise Alarm.  It's a light that gradually brightens and at the designated time softly beeps.  I'm usually awake before the beep.  It's funny.  The beep sends a message to the dogs.  They leap up from their spots, slide up my body until their little heads are by my chest or arms.  Then they snuggle in.  Ryder begins his intense licking (if I don't get my skin out of range).  Diva squeaks and groans, gives the odd power lick, and stretches her body along mine, her head on my chest or shoulder.  Lazily I'll begin petting and scratching them.

I love how joyfully they greet the day.  We as humans can learn something from this.  I love how excited they are to be with me.  I love how cuddly it feels with them snuggled up against me.  But most of all, I love how they love me.  (And I really love seeing Diva's little personality emerge!)

Makes Me Wonder - Is It Time?

My mom has been broaching the topic that perhaps it's time for Tessa to go to the green field in the sky.  I have been resisting.  My brother has been staying at the farm during his days off.  He said she had one of her "crazy" times.  Staring into space and seeming upset.  He said he talked to her a bit and she eventually came out of it.

She's been chewing on her feet.  We're sure she has arthritis as her feet are gnarly.  Even with anxiety and pain meds she's been bothering her feet to the point of redness.  Add to this she has theses lumps on her body.  Some I know are just fat deposits but there's a newer one that's getting bigger on her shoulder.  Add to this the fact that I found a TICK on her today.  It was huge.  I freaked.  I inspect her when I see her.  But I haven't been out to see her for a few weeks.  Between sickness and other issues it just hasn't happened.

I felt frustrated.  Are my parents taking enough due care and attention?  Do I take back "custody" of her even though I know she's happier at the farm?  Or is it time?  Is it time for me to "man up" and take her to the vet  before things get worse?  Before her quality of life completely deteriorates?

I am torn.  I love this dog so much.

Am I Hard To Shop For?

Sarge has been complaining he needs some guidance as to my Christmas Wish List...  Now, I've tried to tell him I'm really easy when it comes to stuff.  I'm pretty happy with stuff for the house...

For Sarge - here's my "wish" list:

In no particular order...

• Kitchen Aid Hand Mixer
• Blender 
• Food Processor
• Lead rope/s with bull snap on it.  (Like the kind on Bugsy's rope.)
• Rope Halter & lead
• Horned rope dummy
• Dog toys
• Dog beds
• Size medium Sports Medicine Boots - front and back (horse)
• Running - sport tech- clothes - size large - pretty much anything from Running Room...
• Leather winter glove/mittens - size 8 or large
• plants - indoors
• bird house/s
• Jewelry - although I don't wear it very often...
• hoodies - size large
• Knives - Henckels (with the two men in the picture) or Paderno
• glass measuring cups 1 and 2 cup
• mugs - beer and coffee
• wine glasses
• Bernie Brown - Pile of Pups, The Crossing
• Carl Brenders art
• Spa packages - anywhere except Spasation - love pedicures, manicures, facials, etc.
• Picture books that I can use at work.
• cutting boards

Now, I hope that helps... ;)