Can't Do It

Today is supposed to be THE DAY.  Today is supposed to be the day I take Tessa in for her big goodbye. And I can't do it.  I've been laying on my bed with Tessa spooned into the nook of my body for the last hour crying.  For the last little while she's been having pretty good days - for her.  There is no doubt in my mind that there will be equally bad days coming.

But she has been happy.  She howled me a morning greeting.  She hopped up on my bed with no assistance!  She went up the stairs - and even alternated most of them!!  Yes, she has also been confused - hence me shrieking at her yesterday as she drove the sheep in the opposite direction of the gate...  but she has also been playful with her tail flagged high in the air.

How can I say goodbye to her??

A friend has said she'll tell me when she's ready to go.  And I'm trying so hard to do the right thing.  I don't want to be the person who holds onto their dog because they are too selfish to say goodbye.  But deep in my heart I believe Tessa is telling me she still has more time.

I realize when she has to go it won't be any easier for me.  I had thought that doing it when she was having some good days would make it easier.  I really tried to tell myself that.  I was wrong.  I think she needs to be closer to rock bottom for me to feel good about this.  I had been resigned to doing this.  Perhaps that's not the best thing.  Resigned.  I think if I were to go forward I would always second guess myself - wondering if I made the right decision.

I need to know it was the right decision.

In this moment in time, I don't know.  For that reason, we will wait, and I will love her like there's no tomorrow.