A few weeks ago, as I was driving home from Ken's it occurred to me that I'm happy. I'm bone deep content and happy with my life. Oh, I still grumble about little things but when I sit down and think about it I am truly filled with joy. It was a moment of clarity on a Saturday night.
In the past, on a Saturday night I would have felt itchy. Like I was missing out if I wasn't out and about. Seeing and being seen. There I was driving down the freeway, trailer full of sheep, two dogs sleeping in the backseat and Ryder riding shotgun, when I was passed by vehicle after vehicle all speeding into the bright lights of the city. You could see many of the occupants were ready to party. And in the past I may have stepped on the gas for a little drive-by flirting. This time, I reached over and ran my fingers through Ryder's plush fur, feeling peaceful as he leaned his head and neck into my hand.
I wondered why I wasn't feeling like I was missing out, letting everyone pass me by, turning away from the bright city lights into the starlit country night. I've thought about that night a lot over the last few weeks. I've thought about it while I've rode my horse. That feeling of perfect symmetry seeping into my bones while she gathers her muscular body into a perfect stop. I've thought about it while I ran down the road - dogs panting happily at my side while sweat trickled down my cheek. I've thought about while I sat and watched the Bobby Ingersol clinic where in the past I would have wanted to be noticed. Dying for the cute cowboy to notice me, pick me. But this time I was happy visiting with an older couple, absorbing the knowledge of the people around me, and belly laughing tears with new friends.
It sank in when my dearest friend was pestering me to get out more, meet some new people *cough male people cough* as I half hearted argued with her. Out of my mouth came the words, but I'm happy right now. I don't want to go to town to meet people. If I have to choose between messing with the dogs and going on a date, I choose the dogs.
There was a time not so long ago that this thought would have been foreign to me. I would have been horrified to want to stay home. And I do go out and do things, I just don't go out and do things that will result in a beau. Simply put, because I'm so happy I just don't care.
And isn't that the greatest space to be in??