Ryder

Sometimes I think things happen for a reason. Initially, I was a bit perturbed and upset that Ryder was needing a new home. I felt I had let him down with my initial placement. Having had Ryder home for a smidge over a week, I now wonder if he didn't come back to me for a reason.

Through the angst of having Tessa break down before my eyes, I have this little lovable pup now living in my house. Not part of the original plan for sure. It is, I think, a blessing in disguise. Ryder, strangely enough, is very similar to my Tess when she was a pup. He's not as hyper. But he certainly shares some of her qualities.

He has a great personality. Happy to be with his human, he loves cuddles, and is fun to be around. He'll play tug with me, make these funny groaning sounds, howl when he's put in jail (not necessarily a positive but a definite Tessa trait!) and he has this innocent joyful expression. One that Tessa still has on her good days. And on her bad days, he's the one who clambers up into my lap, wiggling his body into mine, licking any available place on my body while I cry.

I'm not the only one who has noticed the similarities. It's made me wonder, "Has Ryder come back to me to ease the pain of Tessa's passing?"

Something to ponder.

Tessa

One of my friends passed on some advice she had once received. She said "We give them a life with dignity, and the least we can do is a death with dignity." This struck a chord with me and gave me some peace. Last Thursday was an awful day - start to finish. I don't have the words to explain the look on my dog's face. The best I can do is it was like a fearful dog as a thunderstorm moves in to the area. Spooked, irrational and wild.

While the days that followed gave me a somewhat normal Tess, I am still haunted by the crazy Tess. Thursday caused me to fully and completely melt down. It was the moment where I understood that we were at the beginning of a downhill run. And I'm not ready for it. But I can't stop the inevitable. And that hurts my soul. If I were honest, I could tell you when she started peeing I knew in my heart that it wasn't good. But I was a bit delusional and quite convinced that I could fight this. There are so many options available that this really wasn't a big deal.

It appears I was wrong.

On Saturday, not feeling well, I curled up in my bed with Tessa securely nestled into the nook of my body. She felt shockingly fragile and I knew. I knew that today wasn't the right time for her to leave me, but that time was coming soon. I decided when her bad days out number her good days that I would do what is right and fair for her. I won't make her suffer confusion and upset because I'm too weak to let her go.

She has been my loyal friend, companion and worker through good times and bad. The least I can do is be her loyal friend, companion and worker through her good times and bad.

Dog Park Date

I had agreed to meet Lynne (and Zoey) at the dog park for a "date". Yesterday, I thought I'd test the waters. Diva I wasn't worried about having had her there prior, Ryder, well, let's just say he was a loose cannon. Yesterday I had to abort my walk as Ryder was having barking fits and Diva was packing up with him. Not the behavior I want to encourage.

After speaking with my mom about it she offered to meet me today so that both pups could go and get the experiences the park offers. Mom started off down the field with Diva, and Lynne and I followed a bit behind. We eventually caught up to her and the three dogs had a blast. Ryder settled down and stopped with the excited and stressed barking. And the three little siblings ran, and ran, and ran, and ran! They started engaging in positive behavior with other dogs we met. All very exciting for me.

Overall, I had a blast, and I'm happy with how the pups are developing. I think with consistent exposure to new things, dogs and people they are going to turn into pretty nice little animals. Well adjusted and happy.

I absolutely adore how well Diva recalls. Full tilt running and racing past any distractions to get to me. Even Ryder is showing recall improvement. He's starting to put some speed on when I call him, even if he doesn't always come straight to me. I think as we build a relationship and confidence he'll be that much better.

Happy day today. Even if it is cold.

When?

How do you know when it's time to say goodbye to a beloved pet? How do you decide when their quality of life is decreasing? What constitutes a decrease in quality of life?

I've just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning up Tessa's dog poop when I should have been working on a big presentation I'm giving at work tomorrow. She was outside with me 2 hours ago. Playing.

I'm taking an Advil to fight the major tension headache I've just developed and trying to get my Glogster presentation done. I present at 9 am. Sigh.

Any and all advice and stories are appreciated...

Going for a Walk

Ryder's a funny little fellow. He loves the treadmill! Here's a short clip of him on it. He'll happily walk on it for 10 minutes! Blows me away. The dog whining in the background is Tessa who thinks the treadmill is an implement of the devil and was desperately trying to jump the baby gate to get upstairs and away from the horror.

Teaser

Stay tuned for horse news coming soon! Bwahahahaha!

S.A.D.

I have seasonal affect disorder. What this means is when we have little daylight because of our northern location I'm prone to irritability, depression, and mood swings. Right now I've been waking up each morning to sub thirty temperatures without factoring a wind chill. This has been making me extremely crabby.

Toss in some dog wars, a sudden spurt of teenaged behavior from Diva, and indoor recesses at work and I'm a loaded gun. I've been wracking my brain for some strategies to deal with this. Once upon a time I went to the tanning bed, which truly helped. But I refuse to commit the time to do that right now. I know I need to step up to the plate with my physical activity levels, but *excuse alert* with Ryder moving in, feel the need to commit the time to him. I have found a doggy daycare not too far from work and once the owner returns from holidays and can intake him, plan to take him there 3-5 days a week. This will help with the guilt.

Plus, I've made some decisions around Roxy, also causing me to feel crabby in many ways.

Sometimes I feel as though no matter how had you work, how hard you try, thing just don't go your way. Defeatist isn't it?

Then I remember my uncle. My uncle committed suicide a little over 2 years ago. He had had a number of strokes, was physically challenged (nice way to say impaired - sigh), and was in a supportive lodge setting. He had about a third grade education because back then "special" kids didn't go to school. When the RCMP came to the door I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. After all, I had left him. I had moved away to pursue more selfish pursuits - such as shopping, nightlife, and a social life. I felt that I had stopped giving him the time and attention he deserved.

There was a time when I'd pull up to the lodge door in my tricked out truck, where he'd be waiting by the door for me. I'd load his buggy in the box, boost him (literally) into the cab where Tessa was anxiously waiting and we'd hit the road. Sometimes I'd bring him back to my parents for a weekend. Sometimes we'd just drive to the nearest town and have pie. And sometimes we'd just drive past fields of wheat and cattle, swerving into access drives to grab a handful of crop to give him to inspect.

My uncle had a very, very difficult life. He worked hard. He was treated with disdain and disrespect on a regular basis. He lived on the family farm with his parents until it was sold and they moved to town. He regularly fell, causing concussion after concussion, and eventually I'm convinced some brain damage. By his death he often didn't make sense and his words were slurred.

What I learned from him was perseverance. When things get hard, you bear down and put some elbow grease into it. (I was going to say back into it - heh.) I also learned to love the simple pleasures of life. I think I've been forgetting the lessons Uncle Gene had taught me. I've been feeling sorry for myself when I have nothing to feel sorry for.

I am blessed. I have a great lifestyle. I have wonderful animals that bring me joy. I have had opportunity and choices. I need to remember I have chosen this. This IS what I want. Not that long ago, I had the opportunity to ditch the furry family, move into a fancy pants McMansion, travel frequently and live the good life. But when placed in a position to choose, I didn't choose him. While nice I'm sure, that's not the life I want.

I want to honor my heritage while working towards my dreams, wishes and goals.

Today, look for the simple pleasure of your day.

Mine is the joy the dogs greeted me at the door.