Acceptance

Acceptance.

It's a hard thing.

That ability to take what life brings and recognize, embrace it for what it is.

This has been the summer of acceptance for me.  This has not come without its bumps and bruises.  I had made a number of goals and statements earlier in the year.  And life happened.  While I had wanted to work the dogs every day.  This just didn't happen.  You see, in June, I had "all day sickness" not just "morning sickness".  It literally was all I could do to get through my work day and work commitments.  This meant the dogs were not ready for the summer competitions.  And that, quite frankly, depressed me.  A couple of weeks ago I hauled the dogs two hours down the rode to take a lesson with another trainer.  We talked about aspirations for them.  Mine of course.

I have accepted that Ryder wants to be an agility dog.  I won't force the stock work on him and will renew my focus on taking agility classes.  Diva.  I'll do my best to get her trained and maybe try her at some field competitions next year.  Realistically, in a year or so I'll be looking at buying a trained stock dog.  I just won't have the time to train a pup into a working dog.

I have accepted that my dogs are basically well loved pets.

I won't lie.  I tear up and cry whenever I think of Whiskey.  This has been the hardest thing for me to accept.  I LOVE this horse.  I love her eye.  I love her attitude.  I love her sweetness and kind spirit.  But love isn't going to fix her.  My dad's diligence has really improved her mobility.  So when I went out last week to meet the farrier I was stunned to see her hobbling around.  With no physical evidence of an abscess or bruise it meant it was just normal navicular issues.  I went home absolutely torn.  If she was that lame on a lovely summer day, what would happen in the winter?  I've begun to seriously consider if lame equates to pain.  Is she truly so stoic that she doesn't demonstrate any traditional signs of distress?  She is unequivocally lame.  No debate.  But she doesn't show signs of pain.  I've worked with lots of injured horses and know they generally display some behaviour and physical signs when they hurt.  So I flip - flopped.  Is lame the same as pain?  When is the right time to say goodbye?  I would rather euthanize her too soon than reach an emergency situation and be too late.  My friends say she'll tell me when she's ready.  The problem is I don't know.  Has she?  Has she told me and I just haven't been listening?  A large part of me knows that leaving her is more for me than her.  Am I being selfish?  Within the next few weeks I'll make a final decision, but I'm leaning towards letting her go.  I've found out that a person can get them cremated.  This means I'll pack her ashes, just like I pack Tessa's until I can find a place where I feel right about leaving them.  For now, I can't bear to say a final good bye.

Counting

Some days I seriously question my wisdom.  Literally in the space of weeks I went from two horses to a quickly multiplying herd.  I had been looking casually for a kids horse for quite some time.  When Sweetie became available it seemed like the right horse for the right price.  So I jumped.  She comes home at some point in August when her foal is weaned.  

Then came the Whiskey saga.  The knowledge that she had Navicular and had it to the extreme that breeding her wasn't going to be an option sent me into a tailspin.  The truly funny thing is I thought I had accepted that fact that she was going be a "downer".  Nope.  Clearly not.  It's extra hard because due to my dad's impeccable care she's actually improving.  She is demonstrably less lame.  

I began the pedigree research.  Trying to find another Whiskey.  Nope.  No such luck.  What I did find were some distant relatives.  Thinking that was my only option I began process of looking towards purchasing something along those lines.  

And then I stumbled across this gem.

This black mare is Whiskey's 1/2 sister (dam side).  Initially thinking I'd get the mare with a 3 in 1 option I began negotiating.  Then, deciding I was completely crazy, I decided there would be waaaaay too many horses.  So I bought the foal.  The black filly will come home to me in the fall.  I can't wait. This little girl needs a barn name and a papered name.   (I've asked to do the paperwork.)  Here is her pedigree.  It's not overly fancy, but that's not why I'm bringing her home.

So here's the summer tally.

Whiskey - undetermined what will happen with her.  If she continues to improve, and is happy and comfortable - who knows how long she'll be around.

Marnie - off getting bred to Pegasus.

Sweetie - arriving in August.

No Name - arriving in the fall.

I'd like to point out that brings my horse total from 2 to 5.  Just say'n!

Opened a Can of Crazy

I had one of those weeks.  Where my inner Horse Hoarder ran rampant.  I just could not let go of the conversation I had with my farrier when he said Whiskey should have one last baby.  It haunted me.  Whispering in my ear.  I fell over the edge when I went out to work the dogs and Whiskey was so incredibly lovely.  I became obsessed.  Stallion research commenced.  The vet was phoned and her x-rays were sent to my farrier to review.  I told him I needed his professional opinion.  Would she handle being able to carry one more foal.?  In the days it took for him to respond I blew through $30 of AQHA records, and narrowed down a stallion choice.

And then it happened.

My farrier responded with his first negative comment about Whiskey.  After reviewing the x-rays he felt breeding would cause major trauma and break down.  Not being able to breed her safely and comfortably means no baby.  Based on his reaction I realized her days were a lot more numbered than I thought.

I cratered.

My obsessive behaviour reached epic proportions.  I sent email after email, message after message, desperate to find relatives to her.  I begged to buy back her filly.  I just could not imagine a world without her.  Without carrying on her genetic stamp.

Trust me.  I get it.  Her breeding isn't remarkable.  It's not trendy and it's not full of performance earners.  What it is is full of history.  Full of horses with athletic ability and outstanding dispositions. Those horses have been proven in an entirely different way.

It was somewhat surprising to discover these horses hadn't been overbred.  Whiskey's mom had four foals.  Her sire had five.  Granted she was the last of the lot.  Sold off as a two year old during a dispersal sale.

Back to my crazy.

One of my many emails reached gold.  The lady who owned Whiskey's dam had bought a number of Bar U horses.  Tonight we had a lovely conversation.  It was fun talking with someone who knew the history.  Who had actually tried to buy Whiskey as a yearling - owner refused to sell - and loved these horses as much as I do.

So, my hoarder tendencies are still in fine form.  I may have... done something crazy... and made a tentative agreement to buy a yearling.  From the Bar U lines.  I'd like to go look this July.  If she looks good, I'll buy.  The current owner is a little quirky.  She's mailing me copies of papers and pictures of the filly.  But that's okay.

What's a little sketchy is the crazy I seem to have landed on....

I'm a Hoarder!!

It all became clear today.  As I scrolled through the horse ads a flashy Arabian caught my eye.  My fingers stilled.  I clicked.  Opened it up.  And thought.

I gasped.  I was a hoarder!!  I can't help myself I keep wanting to ADD to my herd.  I keep wanting to ADD saddles to my collection.  I have a problem!

Back to the Arab.  Wouldn't it be cool to have a really nice Arabian cross to rein on?  To compete in Working Cow Horse?  A person could show in the open shows as well as make a run at the breed shows?  Remember I grew up riding Arabian.  I have a deep and abiding love of the breed.

The next ad that stills the fingers is a lovely OTTB (off track thoroughbred).  I imagine this horse recycled.  Recycled into a hunter/jumper training program.  I love the idea of creating a second life for a horse.  It bothers me greatly how many of these lovely horses become disposable once their race career or failure to launch race career come to a close.  I am loving the jumping.  It's fun.  It's challenging.  It's making me a better rider.

And then I see it.  The stunning quarter horse colt.  Stallion prospect.  Fancy reining breeding.  Oooh - how neat would it be to raise, train and show a top end reiner.

Uh oh!  Did you see that great deal on the cutter??

Do you see my problem?

I love horses.  I love the possibilities in a horse.  I love breeding something and seeing the potential.  I love the research into pedigree.  I love handling and working with a young project.

It's the same reason I want a new cutting saddle.  A reining saddle.  A rope saddle.  I just can't help myself.

The first step is admitting it.  I'm a hoarder.  God help us all if I ever end up with a big chunk or land. Or money.  ;)

Lovely Girl

My Marnie girl is learning how to move in frame.  Not quite steady but getting there.  She makes me happy.  It was a great way to spend day.

Please excuse Honey's stinky video skills.  Enough to make a person sick!

Horse Marketing or Just Plain Crazy

I may have an obsession with following the various horse sales pages out there.  I regularly scroll through Kijiji.  Lately I've discovered the world of Facebook sales pages.  There are oodles of them.  I belong to around ten.  I know.  I have a problem.

Lately I've noticed a few trends that leave me feeling baffled.  I wonder why is this the new norm?

Rant #1

Why in Gawd's name is every horse with a kid on it a kid's horse???  Back in the day true kids horses were truly rare.  Now you see the three year old colt who's been rode by an eight year old marketed as a great kids horse.  WTF?  I know there are exceptional horses out there with great minds but a baby rarely makes a good child's horse.  Why?  Because both the kid and the horse lack experience and can do unpredictable things.  Generally a recipe for disaster.

I grew up and learned to ride in the school of hard knocks.  I got bucked off on a regular basis.  While I did develop as a rider, I also recognize that if I didn't have such a deep love I would have quit.  I am left now as a middle aged adult with a body that is loaded with aches and pains.  It is quite literally falling apart.  Why?  Because the years of abuse my body took in my learning to ride phase has left some long term issues.  For this reason I would never put a child of mine on anything that wasn't sane, safe and broke to death.

Rant #2

WFT is up with all the people standing on their horses backs?  When did this become the thing to do?  Why?  I don't get it.  Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.  I know I could do this on my horse, but why would I?  It's just plain weird to me.  I've heard the argument that it shows trust.  Anytime a horse let's you on it's back it's showing you trust...  The weirdest thing to me is that adults are also doing this.  Not just kids!!  So strange.

If anyone out there can shed some light on my questions, I'd love to hear from you.

The Shortlist

If you haven't realized it yet, well... I'm crazy.  Seriously.  For real.

Here's my twisted nonsensical thinking.  I have two horses.  One of whom I will need to put down this summer.  One of whom I've really enjoyed riding.  So. Much. Fun.

So, because I love her - and trust me I KNOW you are not supposed to do this...

But!

Well, this horse has so many positive qualities.  She's got a great trainable mind, she is relatively athletic, personable and affectionate.  So, in my twisted sense I'm thinking of breeding her.

Trust me.  I know there are 5 million unwanted horses.  I get it.  That being said, I'm not one to send mine to auction because I want to mass produce horses.  This foal would be something I'd want to keep and develop.

So I created a short list.  My goal is to add cow to Marnie's performance type pedigree.  She has no earnings and isn't trendy breeding.

Here are the four stallions in no particular order:

Pegasus 
This stallion has earnings.  Is NonPro friendly.

Rollin in my Dually
This guy is in solely on his disposition and pedigree.  No earnings which is important to me.  And pasture breed only which I hate.

Bet Ichi
This guy has a wicked pedigree.  I have yet to find a conformation picture which is not good.

Reys From Heaven
He doesn't have the earnings as two of the stallions, but he also has a great pedigree.  He however has a pedigree that may not produce a NonPro friendly baby.

Well?  Which would you pick?  Why?

Pictures: Finally!

It's been rather chilly the last few weeks.  Today the farrier came out to trim the horses.  I bundled up and had a great visit with him.  While the horses got their pedicure the dogs ran wild in the yard.  They raced, and raced, and raced.  I thought I'd be smart and bring my phone so I could snap some pics... well... the phone froze.  So no pics of dogs but I did put it in the house to warm up so I could grab some horse pictures.  It was a balmy -18C here this morning.  (About 0 F.)

I love how fuzzy the girls are.  They are snuggly and cuddly.  I would have hopped on Marnie for a ride but I'm not flexible enough to get on bareback in all my winter gear.  

Progress? Or Lack Thereof?

It's been a long, busy month.  The weather here has actually been reasonable.  When Dad returned from his vacation from Mexico he dug in heels regarding Whiskey.  He has decided that she should not be put down.  I get his point.  Her eye remains soft and relaxed.  While she is most definitely lame, she is NOT as lame as she was last winter.  Dad has put out round straw bales for her to set up housekeeping at.  He's also created a straw path to the waterer.  This seems to have helped her as she's no longer drinking when he carries a bucket of water out to her so she must be drinking from the auto waterer.  The goal this winter is to keep her off the hard ground on soft footing.  To keep her weight at a healthy level.

I tried and tried to explain to him that she will NOT get better.  That there is permanent damage.  I may end up doing x-rays in the spring just to show him.  I've decided for the time being that we'll continue on - status quo.  Until she seems to not be able to manage we'll leave things be.  In spring I'll reassess her.  Things always seem so much easier in the spring and summer.

One never knows what the future will bring.

Love

I've always believed that love is not enough.  You can love as much as you want but you still need to be reasonable, thoughtful and respectful.  I'm someone who loves animals with a capital L.  They feed my soul and bring serenity and balance to my life.

Today, love is not enough.  I can love Whiskey to the moon and back.  I do love her to the moon and back.  The simple truth is there is not enough love in the world to fix what is wrong with her.  On this cold and blustery day, Sam - the vet came out.  She wanted to rule out an easy fix.  Something like an abscess.  We stood in the cold wind and talked.  I'm not going to lie.  I've been around horses for a long time.  I know, deeply and intrinsically, when something is wrong.  And something is wrong with my beloved mare.  The vet thinks it's likely a broken bone in her foot or a torn suspensory.  We can do x-rays.  We can "de-nerve" her.  We can put on corrective shoeing.  But to what end?  I asked if x-rays would help.  Sam shrugged helplessly.  She said they would just tell us definitively what's wrong, not fix her.  Basically there is no fix.  I trust my vet.  She is skilled, experienced and maintains up to date practice.  She is a life long learner.  I trust my vet with my horses life.  All of the options presented don't change the outcome.  They just change the timeline.

We are looking at quality of life here.  My hope had been that she could manage to be a companion for Marnie.  The reality is that's not going to happen.  We're going to hobble through the next couple of weeks.  Feeding her bute, carrying her water, and leaving her snuggled up to a round straw bale.

I need the time to line up things.  My first choice is to get a back hoe in to dig a hole so Whiskey can rest at the farm.  The back hoe will be significantly more expensive but will bring me peace of mind.  Less desirable but possibly necessary will be to "book" the rendering truck.  Once I have the after care in place, I'll make an appointment to have Sam come put her down.

I love her enough to do the right thing, even though it's the hard thing for us humans.  Some days it sucks being responsible.  

Setbacks??

As I opened up Blogger and scrolled down through my reading list I saw Liz's Setback post.  It was perfect timing for me to read and for the thoughts swirling around my head.

My dad called tonight.

This has been the first week of winter.  No one is acclimatized.  Not me.  Not the dogs.  Not the horses.  Dad called to tell me he's been taking buckets of water out to Whiskey who is now refusing to enter the corral area.  He said she's having a hard time walking.

Dad can be funny about stuff.  The neighbour never did water his horses.  Snow is fine and all that hooey.  He also never did feed unless it was a particularly deep snow winter.  I won't comment on what I think of his horse care practices... Anyhow, said neighbour and dad are buddies.

Big sigh.

Our conversation tonight centred around why water is necessary to maintain a healthy horse.  (There is an automatic waterer the horses have access to - Whiskey is just not walking to it.)  It then shifted to my dad telling me that Whiskey needs shoes.

Huge sigh.

Go figure.  They guy who wonders if it's necessary to provide fresh water wants to put $120+ shoes on a pasture horse.  That's plain shoes and pads, without the necessary borium for winter traction.

This thought led me to Liz's post.  Which was perfectly aligned with what I was thinking.

The horse shoes.  Are they for the horse?  Or for my father?

I won't lie.  I'm really worried.  Is this just a blip?  A rough transition to our frozen world?  Or a forecast of the future?  Can Whiskey realistically handle our rough winters?

What I do know is I'll be driving out tomorrow to see how she's doing.  I'll bring another can of Venice Turpentine.  We'll start there and see if it helps her tender toes.  I've also placed the farrier "on alert".  Bottom line - is the right call to the vet or the farrier?  Because if I can't keep her sound enough to survive then I'll do what's right.  Regardless of how it'll hurt my father who loves this horse with every fibre.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

I've had an interesting week.  I have a respiratory infection that has me grounded at home.  This has caused a variety of stresses in my life.  On the other hand, I was able to get to the vet before it closed to collect up more meds for the dogs.  Sam, the vet, just happened to be in the clinic when I showed up.  

The Good

If it involves the dogs, then it is in the good column.  My two little shits, er, darlings will be going to their first competitions to herd sheep.  We're going to Mayerthorpe to compete in the Alberta Stock Dog Association Arena Finals.  We'll be competing in the Ranch category so hopefully it will ease our way into the competitive world.  My mentor Ken is the judge which will likely not work into my favour.  I'm expecting to get a stern talking to after the competition.  That happens Monday of next week.  Immediately following I am entered in the Farm Fair trial.  We'll be competing in the Open category and this is where the big guns compete.  I am fully anticipating these competitions will be a learning experience and will help drive the training that the dogs need.  Ryder is about 95% trained and Diva is about 90%.  We're so close I can feel it, but certainly not at the level needed to be successful at competitions.  

Other great dog news is that I've found a different agility instructor.  We've been diligently working on our homework and the dogs are progressing nicely.  We start classes in November and I'm looking forward to a different teaching approach.  I've learned through the years it's always best to get different perspectives.  I was really pleased to hear her talk about Diva's potential.  Normally Diva is my Black Sheep.  

Speaking of Diva... she has officially started a diet.  Her metabolism doesn't seem to be awesome and she is and always has been on the chunky side.  It doesn't matter how much exercise she gets.  I took the dogs with me when I went to pick up their meds.  I weighed them.  Diva weighs in at 50.6 pounds.  Ryder - the larger dog - at 52.4 pounds.   I'm now feeding on a "time" schedule with separate dishes.  Diva gets less food plus some pumpkin to provide filler.  In December the dogs are due for their vet checks.  My goal is to see how effective the diet was.  We'll weigh her again at that point.  If she hasn't shown much progress I'll ask Sam to investigate possible causes.  

Also in the "Good" column is THIS HORSE!!!

I love her.  She fits me like a soft leather glove.  To be honest she is knocking Whiskey from her number one perch on my favourite horse list.  Her papers have been sent off to be transferred.  Every Saturday in the month of October I hauled her into Gorseline Stable and took a lesson on her.  She is so smart and willing to learn.  We started with ground poles.  Last Saturday she was trotting over cross poles.  My coach thinks she's going to have nice jumping form.  In the spring I'd like to send her for a month jumping training there.  That way I know my inexperience doesn't hinder her ability to learn how to do this.  

I also purchased an English saddle.  It's a Santa Cruz which isn't the top of the line brand, but it fits her and it fits me.  It's a great starter saddle that I can use to ride her in.  Eventually I'll purchase something fancy like a Luc Childeric.  My "new to me" saddle is in excellent condition and was super cheap!  I am notorious for scrolling the Facebook horse and tack pages.  I found a lady who was dispersing 75 pieces of English tack and equipment.  From her I bought two English "flash" bridles, complete with reins, gloves, and a new bit to try on Marnie.  All for $120!  I'm thrilled because they are all quality pieces.  I'm still watching for English pads, a sheepskin pad to fit under the saddle, new leathers, and jumping boots.  (I'll get pictures of my new saddle and post them soon.)  

The Bad

My ankle is seriously messed up.  

I have been going to the physiotherapist once a week.  Realistically I should have taken a lot of time off work.  I am blessed to have good benefits but always feel slightly guilty taking advantage of them.  The knowledge that I worked when I didn't have to is how I'm justifying taking time off next week to compete with the dogs.  My therapist has currently cleared me to begin yoga.  (Except I'm now stupidly sick.)  He also tells me that riding is good.  Go figure.  Walking, not so much... My ankle remains wrapped to help manage the swelling.  When I'm at physio they put me into the icy compression boot.  I'm struggling with remaining positive about this.  I'm frustrated that I can't exercise.  

I'm convinced the lack of exercise and increased work stress is destroying my immune system.  I've gone to a Naturopathic Doctor who has done some blood work to look into food sensitivities.  My guts are notoriously nasty, even with prescription meds.  My regular doctor thinks I may have food allergies, even though I've had clean allergy tests.  (I've been tested six ways to Sunday...)  I'm currently limiting to eliminating milk from my diet with interesting results.  My blood work results are back and I have an appointment next week to find out what they came up with.  

The Ugly

Yesterday I talked to Sam about Whiskey.  I showed her pictures of her standing - with shoes on.  I told her what the farrier thinks.  Basically, it comes down to this.  The vet sees no purpose to do x-rays.  She has said that there is a list of things we can do but to what end?  This is a horse who is now a pasture ornament.  She really feels that Whiskey sustained some sort of suspensory injury while she was gone.  This is causing havoc.  Her suggestion was to leave her be.  As long as she's not being asked to do anything or is not suffering then we maintain her.  She will not be bred again as she can't handle the weight (and the vet would not support a breeding in her condition).  As it is, we're working diligently to pull the weight off of her.  

I'm a bit torn as to what the right thing to do is.  Option A:  leave her to be a companion.  Give her bute on her bad days.  Keep up with maintaining her via vet and farrier care.  Option B:  Euthanize her.  

As her eye is soft and she doesn't appear to be suffering I'm inclined to leave her to be a companion.  When any of her conditions change, or my ability to provide her the care she needs change, then I'll make a different decision.  

It depresses me to see her hobbling around the field.  Last Saturday she actually loped a few strides, with a snort and a buck.  This is so unusual to see in her these days.  I remember when she raced the field for fun.  

I won't lie.  I fully regret selling her baby this summer.  Selfish of me, I know.  

I know she'll be a great nurturing Auntie to any baby that I happen to have on the place.

Serenity

I'd been fighting a mild case of the flu.  Telling myself that it was just stress I drove out to the farm, worked the dogs before dragging out the horse.  Deciding against any "real" riding, I tossed on the hackamore.  This is what I want to ride Marm (still unnamed) in for pleasure.  I could feel tension fall out of my shoulders as I worked on having the dogs handle being rode in the field with the horse.

Ryder is terrified of the horse, and Diva is determined to work her.  It took some work to get Ryder to even come into the field.  It took more work to keep Diva from Dive Bombing Marm's heels.  Neither dog have had much exposure to horseback riding but I'd love to ride in the grazing reserve with them.  So I took my crabby tummy as an excuse to sit and train.

Fall is one of my favourite seasons.  I love the colours, the dry ground, and the gorgeous sunsets.

Marm in her hackamore outfit.  She's doing ok with it.  I think with some more riding practice she'll do fine.  My goal is to have her riding steady enough that in the winter I can toss it on, and hop on bareback for a jaunt through the snowy fields.

Looooong sunset shadows.  It's been ages since I've seen my horsey shadow.  

Thinking Deep

I've spent a lot of time in the last couple of weeks thinking.  You see, Whiskey is pretty lame.  Gut wrenchingly so.  Her right front is turning in in a bizarre twist.  My farrier and I talked navicular.  We talked about x-rays.  I began to wonder.  When does this become a situation of throwing good money after bad?  When does this become about me and not her?  Mentally and emotionally I held it in my heart to do the right thing and put her down.  I had about made up my mind and I called the vet.

As honey and I sat talking while we ate our evening meal, I spilled out all my fears and worries.  Calmly, not even skipping a beat he told me not to be hasty.  To wait a while and not jump into a decision.  What he didn't do is point out the money I've been pouring into this horse.

The next day I sat with my parents as we ate.  I told them I was worried about Whiskey.  Mom puts a hand on my arm and tells me to give it time.  Dad's brow furrows as we discus the coming winter.  We plan what we can do to make her more comfortable.  The tentative decision becomes one to give her the winter.

I won't lie.  I'm very worried about her handling our tough winters.  I'm the person who has a box with her old faithful dog's ashes.  I can't commit to a place for her to rest.  So she goes where I go.  It would destroy my soul if I couldn't plan Whiskey's final resting place.

I won't lie.  I'd love a baby from her.  A future jumper prospect.  I get it .  It costs more to breed than to buy.  Breeding is a crap shoot.  No guarantee over what you'll end up.  The horse business has no room for sentimental feelings.  Sigh.

No firm decision yet on the breeding front.

Because I sit and I pray that I've made the right decision.  That Whiskey will be okay.

Compliments

This July I started taking Jumping lessons.  When I was younger jumping wasn't something that interested me.  I far preferred to do pattern work and dressage type stuff.  In short, I'm a jumping novice.  I've taken a handful of jumping lessons over the years.  My instructor at the stable I'm riding at gave me a very nice compliment.  She said the trainer (a very accomplished jumper) thought I was good and wanted to know where I came from.  Jen told her I'd been everywhere.

I've got to admit, when Jen told me this I rolled my eyes and snorted out a "Ya right."  You see, I'm horrifically out of shape.  I can feel my body flop when it should be solid.  Jen insisted.  She said that they could see through my out of shape flops and see the seat I possessed.  She went on to explain that I'm unique in the fact that I have a well rounded background.  It made me think.

When I was young I learned how to ride bareback.  Farmer style.  My mom didn't believe in saddles.  I didn't ride in a saddle until I was 4-H age.  4-H was my first introduction to riding "proper".  It was somewhat surprising to learn one didn't just kick and pull.  I began taking lessons.  For the most part I rode Arabians and competed in the local shows.  I rode in an English saddle and progressed on to some Arabian "A" shows.  I want to be clear.  My family did not have a lot of money and most of my horses were not the reliable school master type.  I literally learned how to ride in the school of hard knocks.  Sometimes I'm astonished that I stuck with it.

As an adult I decided that showing was horribly boring so I began to branch out.  I bought a school master rope horse and learned how to rope.  For the next ten years I immersed myself in the cowboy and rodeo world.  I moved out into ranch and oil country, well away from the commuter acreage area I grew up in.  There I hooked up with (not in the hook up sense - haha), an old cowboy who ran a small ranch complete with a stable.  He was an alcoholic and full of character.  Back in the day he showed and trained reining horses.  Here I learned how to train a rope horse and began schooling in basic reining maneuvers.  This barn became my home away from home.  I shovelled shit and had my pick of horses to ride.  I began "finishing" ranch horses he owned to pay for my board.  I was in horsey heaven.  I also had some pretty huge wrecks complete with hospital visits during this time of my life.  The final hospital visit would prove to be a blow my confidence would never recover from (3rd degree concussion).   I had learned how to start and finish a horse the cowboy way.  My roping was progressing complete with competitions.  We had even tossed around the idea of me riding a horse in the reining class at the Canadian Supreme.  (There was a glorious Palamino stallion called Yeller that was good enough to go.)

At one point the cowboy lifestyle got to me.  I had had enough and I moved home.  Back to civilization.  From this point on I rode purely for pleasure.  I would do various things like take the odd jumping lesson or spend a summer turning back for cutters.  And I still love going out to Ken's and spending the day doing ranch work off a horse.  Pure joy.

Fast forward to now.  Now I'm slightly bored but still highly pressed for time.  I have a horse to play with - Marm - thank you Jesus.  After Marm arrived I had some serious swings in what I wanted to do with my horsey self.  I could not make up my mind.  I want to cut.  No I want to jump.  No I want to show Arabians.  No I want to... you get the idea.  The problem is reality can be a bugger.  What can I realistically do?  What can Marm realistically do?

The outcome?  With the trainers compliment ringing in my ears, (I really do have an eclectic background.), I think I'm going to focus on riding Marm English.  Rationale?  Marm likes being rode with contact.  Loves it. I have access to high caliber trainers and lesson programs close to my house and dad's farm.  And jumping challenges me.  It's hard for me.  It stretches my abilities.

And FYI: Marm needs a new name.  She's not really a Marm and I have a hard time getting it out.  So even though I hate the idea of renaming a horse, a renaming shall occur.  Once I figure out what name actually works for her.

Horse and Dog Days

Last week I drove to Ken's.  I was bone deep tired but didn't want to "waste" any of my time.  My back has been screaming at me as I work at getting back into shape.  Some nights I've resorted to taking some dope so I can sleep through it.  I know it'll pass but right now it's an ugly situation.  I wanted to work the dogs with him.  I was up at 6:30 and at the farm by 7:15.  I hitched and loaded the trailer with Marm.  Who for whatever reason I keep trying to call Bacardi.  Go figure.  We drove the 2 hours to Ken's.

It was raining.  Crabby, I put on my rain clothes and spent the next 4 hours working dogs on sheep.  Diva is making wonderful progress.  Ryder, not so much.  We broke for lunch.

I will admit to being pissed off at the world.  I really, really, really wanted to ride and it was raining.  And then God smiled.  The clouds broke and the sun began to shine.  Ken and I spent the next 4 hours doing horse stuff.  I saddled up and rode Marm.  Ken watched and made idle comments on things he thought would help her.

And then the fun began.  I got off and Ken hopped on.  He started up his flag and introduced it to her. I wasn't surprised to see her bulge her shoulder out and push through the stops.  But then she got it.  He'd relax into the saddle and she'd start to roll over her hocks, flowing with the flag.  Her head carriage improved.  She rounded her body and began to "sweep" the turns, legs crossing over cleanly. She began to look at the flag.  Watching to see what it would do.  In short, she looked like a cutting horse on a flag.  I was STOKED!  This was a stunning development.  I never thought she'd be able to move cleanly like that.  Immediately I began to reevaluate my plans for this horse.  She's 15 so who knows what level she'll be able to work towards, but come spring (I want the winter to leg her up.) I think I may get Jason to dump a month into her.  This gives me a horse with some training on a cow that I might be able to go ranch cut on.  Time will reveal her secrets.

Unexpected Twist

Just when you think you know where you're going life takes the most unexpected turns.  I hadn't blogged about this because I was scared of "jinxing" it.  To be honest, I'm still quite on the fence about blogging about it.  But there is a story here.  One that is swirling around my head, mixed in with hopes and dreams and fears.   

Remember how I mentioned I wanted a horse??  

Kharma has a way of working things out.  

It all began with an email.  One I read, reread, and finally printed out and read again.  I thought.  I thought HARD!  When the email hit my inbox I was in a bit of crisis.  My ankle is majorly messed.  I'd just come off of my doctor enforced rest period with virtually no change in the ankle.  Stressed I had another doctor appointment.  I was facing a cast.  We ended up doing a cortisone shot.  I'm still wearing a wrap but the swelling is finally down.  My ankle is very very weak right now.  But I'm starting some physio exercises.

Back to the story.  So while I was stressing about my body falling apart, I had a decision to make.  That email I receive was basically a query asking if I'd be interested in a horse.  This horse was much loved by her owner.  This I understand.  But her owner, like many of us had too much on her plate and needed to lighten the load.  Because this horse was much loved she wanted just the "right" home. This I also understand.  She thought my home might be that perfect fit.  I was incredibly flattered.  But as my bestie says "Just because you get asked to the party, doesn't mean you need to dance." (Or something like that!)  So I needed to decide.  Did I want to dance?  

I called my best friend.  We talked and talked about it.  Jason, my cutting trainer and I talked about it. Jen, my hunter/jumper coach and I talked about it.  All these people cautioned me against it.  Only Ken was positive.  Now all of the above people have seen me ride.  They know what I can do on a horse, with a horse.  Their collective concern was the fact that the horse was a risk.  A risk of not being able to move forward in a more competitive way.  But let's be honest.  Right now, I'm not exactly in a competitive position.  I need something I can play on.  Something I can train on that's safe.  My honey's only point was that horses cost money and he didn't want to see something sit in the field and not have me riding it.  

What did I do?  I went out to the farm.  I stood against the fence scratching Whiskey's shoulder.  I thought and thought.  I went into the house and talked with my dad.  Any horse decision concerns my father because with the horses at the farm he's the primary caregiver.  I will not add work to my (soon to be) 72 year old father.  That night a very long conversation was had with the horse's owner.  I needed to hear the horse's story, and I needed to be solid on my decision.  The horse was close to 12 hours away.  I will not lightly haul a horse that far for no good reason.  

In the end, I listened to my gut.  I listened hard.  I became still and focused and I pushed the world away.  I think I made the right decision.  

I said yes.  And a journey began.  A horse climbed onto a trailer.  And dreams and hopes were sparked.  

This beauty arrived Saturday.  

Her name is Marmalade or Marm for short.  

Today was our first "real" ride.  It wasn't perfect.  It wasn't imperfect.  We're in the dating stage of our relationship.  Getting to know each other's quirks.  I can't decide what I want to do.  Jen came and watched me ride and thinks she'd make a jumper.  I'm too tall (5'8") for her to make a high level jumper but good enough for lessons and maybe some low level shows.  

Then again, I love the cattle work.  There's a huge grass roots working cow horse organization in this area.  She has the physical ability to do it with some fine tuning.  Tomorrow at Ken's she'll get her first taste of working the flag.  Or maybe I'll heel off her or run some barrels.  I know the possibilities are endless.  My focus for the winter is to get to know her and to spend time working on developing her full potential.  By the time spring comes I should have a better idea of which direction this journey is going to go.  

Regardless, I'm grateful for the opportunity to get to know this neat little mare better.  I'm grateful to have a horse that wants to work, that I can play on.  I'm grateful for a horse that isn't going to dump my broken body on it's ass.  

Hope

To be honest with you, I had for a while, lost hope.  It had dropped out of me, much like your stomach does on a wild roller coaster ride.  Vanished into the clear blue sky.  That hope is funny though.  It's a sneaky thing.  It creeps in when you least expect it.  Flitting through corners.  Eventually filling all air space.

Today, I let myself breathe.  Let myself believe.  And hope blossomed.

You see, yesterday for the first time since Whiskey came home I watched her break into a lope.  She ducked and snaked her head, lifting her hind feet off the ground in a fun filled romp with her foal.

Today I cried when I watched her trot up the fence line.  Her eyes were bright and her stride, while short, was free.  And I breathed in.  I breathed in her horsey sweet smell and giggled at her babies' antics.  It was at that moment that my heart bloomed with hope.

What I hadn't been saying was that when I had the vet out a couple of weeks ago I was prepared to "do the right thing" and put Whiskey down come the weaning of her foal.  My heart broken I was horrified over her quality of life.  She was in obvious pain.

Today was day 3 of shoes and pads on her front feet.  It has made a clear difference.  She moves better and with more spirit.  It is working.  I was so scared to believe.  Scared my hopes would be dashed.

Now, I wonder about her.  I wonder if I can ride her again.  Just for fun.  She'll never be sound enough to compete on.  I'm hoping that the vet will clear her fun general riding.  As long as it doesn't cause her pain I'm game to rejoin my old partner in some fun jaunts.

Mid-Horse Crisis

While many have midlife crisis I am having a midhorse crisis.  For the life of me, I can't decide what I want to do.  There's a paint gelding I'm going to go look at.  He'd mature into a horse I could jump, or rope off of.  He will be a big boy in the 16hh range.  There's an AQHA mare I'm going to go look at.  She's cow bred with a mom who has NCHA earnings.  She has 90 days with a cutting trainer.  She'll mature around 14.2hh.  She's a horse I could trail ride, or do reining or working cow horse type stuff on.  And then, there's my history with Arabians.  I miss my Arabians.  I am thinking I wouldn't mind having an Arab kicking around the place.  Not entirely sure if I want to show but am missing that old life.

And then there's Whiskey.  When she came home to me she was lame on 3 out of 4 legs.  I babied her through the winter.  Let her foal and gave her recovery time.  She's still lame.  So I had the vet out.  Severely bruised soles and coffin bones.  So I had the farrier out.  I have to own the only pasture brood mare with shoes and pads.  The hope is the pads will protect her feet enough to let the bruising heal.  If this doesn't work we'll do x-rays.  I do think it's helping.  She's already moving better.  I'll continue to have massage therapy done on her when the therapist is in the area.

The thought has entered my head that if I can get her sound enough on her front end, I may toss a saddle on her and see what she does.  She's been a pasture ornament for years so it may be interesting.  My ultimate goal with her is to breed her next year for one last foal.  (Pending soundness.)  This would be her replacement.  I'm thinking I'd either breed to a Thoroughbred for a sport horse prospect or to an Arabian.  My concern with breeding to the Arabian is that she is a big solid mare and I'm not sure how that would cross out.  The Arab cross would hopefully be an all around horse.  Only time will tell how this turns out.

Dogs vs Horses: The Great Debate

I have been having intense cravings for horse time.  I neurotically comb through the classified on the hunt for the "perfect" horse.  There is a breeder of paint horses about 3 hours from me.  I love their horses.  They have a born broke personality.  There is also a nice started cutting bred mare 45 minutes from me...  They are the SAME price.

I keep telling myself that now is not the time to buy a horse.

Do I have time?  Will I be able to ride consistently?  Honey tells me horses cost money...  I worry about doing justice to the dogs.  Can I do both?

I'm not going to lie.  I'm about 99% sure that I'm going horse shopping when I get back from my vacation...